Monthly Archives: November 2005


Waiting…. for something that might or might not become true… is so terrible…

I tried to concentrate by doing as much as I can… as a way of easing
the "guilt"… I was trying to see how many tasks are left on hand, and
to clear the list as much as possible… Sigh… There’s this
conference on Dec 5-6, I’m not interested to go… but my mgr insisted
that I go, saying it’s "good for my career"… I don’t know… I think
I’ve already developed a prejudice towards him and the entire
management… From the day when they told me I’ve been "chosen" to be
mentored, I already felt really stupid… As Jerome said, I don’t think
it makes sense to have a mentor who is in your reporting chain~ I can’t
help but think of all these as a way to "pretend to care"…

Not to mention in addition to the never-ending task list, they keep
adding impossible requirements… funny how he asked me each time for
"estimation", everytime I gave a number, he’d try to reduce it… until
I reduce that number to half, then he’s happy… sure I can tell you
it’s okay to do it in no time, what does that mean after all???????
Well, guess nothing really matters, whatever "plan" that we came up
with aren’t followed anyways…


A Java love story…

A bonus for studying for the whole day!
I came across a cute little story about the special relationship between outer class and inner class – with cute graphics!!
It starts out like this:

Getting in Touch with your Inner Class

One Object shares deeply personal feelings. Next… on a very, special, Campfire Story.

Being an object like me isn’t as fun as you might think.

It gets lonely…

Out here…
on the heap…


我終於把買了數星期的 "黃偉文十年選"放進車裡聽。聽著聽著發現自己的聽歌喜好跟以前(還是中學生時﹐即十多年以前)改變了很多。以前的我喜歡悅耳的聲音﹐偏重歌唱技巧﹐所以那時最愛聽王菲(天生一副歌喉…)﹐陳慧琳﹐梁詠琪(兩人都擁有一把很"choir"的聲音﹐以前唱choir就是用這種聲音)。
今天聽Wyman disc 2﹐才發現原來不知不覺間﹐學會了用心去聽歌﹐不單只用耳朵去聽。一首歌﹐若要帶出歌的靈魂﹐非投入用心唱不可。碟中劉美君重唱"大開眼戒"﹐以前聽會覺得(如我家姐所言)她的聲音很leung﹐今時今日聽﹐我愛她唱歌的收放自如和那份個人風格。然後再聽Wyman填詞經典–李蕙敏的"你沒有好結果"﹐依舊覺得她的聲音帶點吵耳和沙啞﹐但就是這種聲音﹐把歌詞中的忿恨更能表達得徹底。
喜歡hocc很大一個因素是因為她唱歌的那份投入﹐聽"神經痛"你感受到那椎心的痛﹐聽"再見露絲瑪利"你聽得出那份無奈﹐聽"未來"你聽得出那份憧憬。若要我去選擇﹐歌者的投入比技巧更為重要﹐一首歌之所以能感動人絕對非靠超卓的運氣/假音 /震音技巧﹐而是看聽眾的心有否被觸動。

Interview Questions!

I’m trying to be more prepared this time, so I search for interivew
questions on the web, a few cool links: (I find the questions so hard!!
I have 0 iq )

The 1st link gives the iq question. The 2nd link only describes very
briefly the question + a very simple answer (an answer that doesn’t
offer much explanation…)

I actually got asked about that 1st question, I was asked "how many gas
stations are there on Steeles Ave.?" After reading the method of
estimation, I realized my answer was a total embarassment


Hocc plugged (probably) her last song for the year – 圓滿. The last line of the song says 令人圓滿卻是你.
This suddenly triggered a thought… What is 圓滿? What makes someone/something 圓滿? Is it always the case that someone makes another person 圓滿? Can it be something else?

I’m asking coz I hope there can be something else other than a person who can make my life 圓滿. Perhaps always seeking to do the will of God would make someone 圓滿? If one’s heart is filled by God’s inspirations and the sense of peace all the time, that should be pretty 圓滿?


Search for a Personal Legend

I was so free yesterday that I decided to pick up the Alchemist (which I’ve bought for months) and read. I heard it was really good, but I’m not super impressed by it. It does reinforce some important messages though. Some of them popped up especially when I feel hopeless with the current job situation.
The main theme is about finding one’s personal legend. For the boy it was easy, it’s just a dream that he had twice. And that legend suits his interest too… One thing that is the most important about the search is to be not afraid of risking what you have originally… We all become accustomed to what we have, and it becomes something that holds us from pursuing our mission in life… He has doubts along the way, especially when he finds the one that worths more than the treasure… He continues his search because true love doesn’t stop one from pursuing his mission…
Some good quotes:
  • Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.
  • If you start out by promising what you don’t even have yet, you’ll lose your desire to work toward getting it.
  • Don’t forget that everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else.
  • When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
  • It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and his grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it’s in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.

God’s curriculum

I had this thought a few days ago, write it down so I won’t forget

Maria was writing about the lack of patience… I’m soooo weak in this
area as well. Lack of patience is one of my worst weaknesses. I’ve
heard that it takes practice to improve one’s patience. Soo… I think
God must have given me this assignment to train my patience. The more I
get anxious, the more I need to calm down and wait. The more I doubt,
the more He asks me to trust Him. I get proud easily, so if I get all I
desire, that’d only lift me up even higher…

It’s God’s assignments. I feel challenged, and that’s the purpose of the exercise.

“I don’t care”

One of the most common sayings in North America (esp among the younger
people) is "I don’t care". This is one of the sayings that I hate most

First of all, let’s try to see under what occasions people would say "I
don’t care". Usually one says it when he/she is being asked for his/her
opinions/preferences on certain things. If this is the response that is
given, it’s pure disrespectful. Someone CARES enough to ask for your
opionions/preferences towards certain things, if you have no
preference, make it clear you have no preference. "I don’t care" is such
a bad way of expressing it. (As I’m typing it, I also realize sometimes
when my mom asks what kind of vegetable I want to eat, I’d just say "si
dan" w/o any patience… Sigh, I’m bad also. )

Another occasion I can think of is what I usually encounter at work…
There are these *developers* who like to use "I don’t care" to respond
to something that they obviously don’t care, but in fact they should
really care (b/c it’s their job!!!!! damn it) I was mad today at one
point, because there are default values that are used in the
installation of a few middleware. In order to not commit the same
mistakes that we’ve committed last release, I’m trying not to make
assumptions because that proved to be one of the greatest troubles seen
in customer environments. I need to find out what exactly are those
default values, and whether all the info we need to gather from the
user are exposed in the UI. Soooo… I have to ask this guy (whom I
thought is one of the nicest developers around, according to my
experience of working with him) who does the Eclipse UI. So he was
telling me the values are all in a properties file. And I told him I’m
going to let him know when I see default values that need to be
changed… He said I can modify the file directly… And I said no,
because he needs to know what the changes are…. And here he went, "I
don’t care". I’m mad because this is not the only instance of "I don’t
care" that I hear from the *developers*. It’s something THEY NEED TO
CARE!!! I was doing them favour for helping them aware it’s something
that they NEED TO CARE… sigh… people’s attitudes, is one of the 3
factors that I find making my life at work so miserable.

To anyone who might be reading this, don’t say "I don’t care". Find a
better statement to explain your position better. Saying "I don’t
care", is pure irresponsible… inconsiderate of the person whom you’re
talking to…

I’d also remind myself not to say this, and any similar comments "si
dan", "mo sor wai", "whatever"… If someone cares enough to ask me for
my opionion/preferences, these stupid irresponsible statements are not
what he/she deserves.

This is a lesson for myself as well.

How to not get mad at work????

I think it’s not just the problem with the job… It must be how I face this job… Sigh… In WCCC2, we were saying let’s try forgive someone whom I should forgive. I think it’s almost impossible to smile in front of my boss (except for "bitter smile").
They’re trying to implement this new system, where everone has to have a weekly plan on wiki. I didn’t exactly oppose to the idea, I just thought another waste of time in doing this status updates… When we had our team meeting, I could tell so many people oppose to the idea… I think the main thing is, if you trust that I can deliver, do I need to tell you all the tasks that I’m working on now? Is it necessary to treat us like kids, telling exactly each of us what I’m doing next? Status meetings are already there… and it’s still not enough… It’s okay to use this as a means to increase the visibility, but I just hope they wouldn’t make up all the additional benefits….
Is boss vs employee always in an opposing position?
I don’t want to spend any more days working in this team………………………………………………


I thought more about what Fr. Leung said during last night’s
confession. He said I can’t sit here and take entering heaven for
granted. And today during mass, there’s this picture floating in my
mind. Our lives is like a race on the field. Everyone has his/her own
track to run on. The track is shaped differently, with different
curves… There are hurdles along the tracks, the heights of the
hurdles and the number of them vary for everyone. I can’t expect I can
just walk comfortably to finish the race. I need to run, I need to jump
over the hurdles… It’s hard and tiring for sure, but this is
something I need to do. God didn’t say it’s easy to finish this race.
But when He planned our track, He has already taken our
health/condition into consideration. It’s a race tailored for each of
us. 無得扭計﹐體育精神至上。

All the challenges or the things that trouble me are just 雞毛蒜皮, they’re
no big deal at all once I look at what others are facing. There are a
few of us who have to face the loss of loved ones this year… Others
have their own troubles. My problem is not a problem at all…….

There’s also this thought that came to my mind today… When there’s a
hope in front of me, I seem to worry more… What if this hope would
end up shatter once again? I’ve already visualized the desirable
results that I want… When I drove back from Finch tonight, I was
listening to at17’s 你有自己一套, there’s a line 若是沒希望不會失望… This thinking
is way too pessimistic… Thinking too much is no good.

Finally, to retain what I’ve learned from WCCC2 today, let me jot down a few notes:

5th beatitude: 憐憫人的人是有福的﹐因為他們要受憐憫。

  • A big part of it is to forgive those who have trespassed against us.
  • To forgive someone, we have to empathizes with them. We have to
    get over the feeling of hate in order to forgive. We have to pity those
    who have hurt/did something bad to us. (Hard, but we have to try. And
    we can always ask God.)
  • The story about how a Japanese soldier didn’t kill the American
    soldier during WWII, after he saw him taking care of a Japanese girl

6th beatitude: 心裡潔淨的人是有福的﹐因為他們要看見天主。

  • (At first I only thought it means we can’t think bad/watch bad things …) It means we have to be sincere, and not be 偽善. The Pharisees were the counterexample.
  • The word sincere comes from 2 Latin words (which I don’t know how
    to spell). The 1st part means "without", the 2nd part means "wax". In
    Europe, there are many statues (with "white rock"). When there are
    cracks on them, those cracks were mended by wax. The cracks are almost
    invisible after that. We want to avoid the wax. We don’t want to
    "pretend to be good". God looks at our hearts.
  • On "seeing God", there’s no way for us to physically see God with
    our eyes. But we can feel God. The story of a kid flying a kite: the
    kite flies so high, the kid can’t see it, but he could see the
    線轆moving, so he knows the kite is there.
  • There’s no way for us to prove to others about our experience of
    seeing God. It’s not something that’s provable with scientific means.
    It’s okay that we can’t convince others. One has to experience God,
    there’s no way to convince someone into it…