Monthly Archives: September 2005

經理 => 經理人 => 天主

I was a bit mad (a bit, not very…) with my manager at work today, with his micro-management thing. I realize he’s my manager. But I don’t think he needs to tell me every moment what I should be doing. I think I have the judgement. What happened is that recently, he has reminded me SO MANY times that I shouldn’t be fixing defects for a component (well, why did I get assigned to work for that component? well well well, apparently I’m the only person remaining who knows and "willing" to program an installer). The thing is, it’s the "milestone release time" again, QAs opened defects… and keep bugging me. I think I can use *reasonable* amount of time to fix them. Some might take minutes, others might take no more than an hour. But he insist I shouldn’t be fixing them… And basically intercepted all my defects… Maybe I’m stupid, if he asked me not to work on those, I probably shouldn’t work on those. I just thought with "reasonable amount of time", I could fix some embarassing/pretty serious bugs, why not?
 
So… after seeing my attempt to fix one of those "non-blockers" again, he came and talked to me again. He told me I shouldn’t be working on those, "I will have those defects. I will decide what to do with them. I am trying to shield you from the other stuff. This (the installer of topology installer… what a stupid thing to do!) is what you need to work on".  So he will be the one who decides what I should work on, I think he is not only my 經理﹐but my 經理人 as well (coz he 接 jobs for me now).
 
And as much as I don’t like my boss’s approach (that he doesn’t give me the power to judge something on my own), he reminds me of GOD! (My manager would like to keep me focus on what he deems important, but there are so many other ways ppl can bug me to work on the other stuff…) Isn’t what he said resembles so much of what Jesus tells us all the time? We’re supposed to hand over our troubles/problems to God, then listen to Him regarding what we should do, then follow Hm. Oh man… The more I think of it, the more I think my manager is trying to be God (in a certain sense). But thanks to him for reminding me that.
 
Should I appreciate my manager’s effort? I don’t know. I still don’t quite like his micro-management approach. I understand he worries more than I do if this whole "grand installer" fails to deliver… But I don’t like to be supervised like this. Or maybe I’m too proud…
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犯賤

This realization that I have today isn’t exactly new. But while I was troubled by the other thoughts, I could have never come to such realization.
 
When I got home today, while parking at the garage, I suddenly realized… Would I think about God this much if I have all I want? I don’t think so. I would have spent all my time with all other things. God would be out of the picture. Fr. Leung actually told me something like this when I had my last confession. If everything I want is granted to me, I’d probably be proud (I’m already proud, if I get what I want, I’d be EVEN more proud… arrgghh, I’m bad).
 
We all tend to 犯賤. We tend to forget about God when we’re all well and good. We tend to ask, we don’t always remember to thank God for what He has already granted to us. This realization is actually the same as what Felix told us about his story. When he thought he was searching for something, he found God instead. Maybe there’s a reason why I became part of the S+L team… I got back so much. Getting to know people’s stories is good. It all comes down to telling me how God works wonders in them. Lord, thanks for revealing those to me!

Prayers

I realized I am still not that firm with my faith from my recent
thinking… So I decided to go to the 2nd of 3 talks given at CMC. I
thought it’d be given by Fr. Ching, but it turned out to be Petrus. But
it’s still such a great talk. I’m so glad I went.

It was a talk about prayers. There are a few parts to it. Some notes
that I copied down (I decided to always bring my notebook along for
talks like these…)

Why do we need to pray?
It’s for acknowledging the fact that we need God

Reciting prayers vs. Praying

  • reciting prayer is to help us to meet God, once we’ve achieved
    that while reciting the prayers, it’s not necessary to finish reciting
    the prayers
  • reciting prayer is like opening our arms, hoping our father would lift us up

How to listen to God more clearly? (a few requirements)

  • God’s image in our mind: whether we think of Him as a judge, or a merciful father
  • longing for God 渴求 => this longing itself is something we need to ask for as well
  • do not limit the answers that God might give us (不要框死天主跟我們說話的方法)
  • quality time: if you tend to fall asleep while you pray, you should pick another time when you have more energy
  • quiet heart => to listen to God’s words

Elements of Prayers

  • Praising God
    • to prepare ourselves to listen to God’s words
    • we may already meet God by praising Him
  • Spiritual warfare
    • to stay focus and not to be disturbed by other temptations
  • Repent
    • to let us see God’s light more clearly (analogy being taking away the shade that’s blocking the sunlight from the window)
  • Forgive
    • it’s decision that we make (意志的決定)
    • giving up the right of being mad at somebody to God (將惱恨一個人的權利交給天主)
  • Surrender
    • giving everything up to God
  • Scripture reading
    • we desire transformation, not information
    • Lectio Divina is a good way
  • Intercession
  • Ask God questions
    • Petrus said God replies really fast to questions regarding His mystery (e.g. Why do You love me so much?)
  • Thanksgiving
  • Be patient and persistent
    • lack of patience = pride

Why we sometimes feel prayers are dull and dry?

  1. Lack of energy: like when we’re physically sick
  2. When we start skipping prayers, not keeping promises to God, being tempted by other stuff (such as surfing the web etc)
  3. God’s gift
    • being in a state where we find prayers dull and dry can also be a gift from God, it can be a form of purification
    • sometimes we focus too much on pursuing the nice experience we
      have, rather than God Himself, it’s a reminder that we should seek God,
      not the experience

It’s our gift to God when we pray to Him despite the fact that we might find prayers dull.

A Gauge of Spiritual Health

  • are we humble before God?
  • do we love God?
  • simple life
  • are we willing to carry our crosses?

On my way home after the talk, I seem to have the answer to the
question I asked last night. I figured that I don’t need to know what
my life is for, or what dream/wish I’m supposed to pursue. I only need
to know the direction to pursue. If I follow God, He will lead me to
where I should be. This reminds me of a past UI assignment, we were to
implement some classic "rectangular block" game. There is this block
that is supposed to constantly move across the screen towards one
direction until it hits the bottom. Stupid me, when I was first
thinking how to program it, I was thinking in terms of the position of
the block. And then after lying on the bed to think for quite a while, I
realize the position doesn’t matter, I just need to know the vector (i.e. the direction) of where the block should move… Yes, the direction alone is enough, I don’t need to know where it will be.

Quarter Life Crisis

My mind has been filled with different things recently. Everyday I’m thinking about different things. One day I’m really faithful, the other day I feel so down.
 
And tonight, I started to wonder what do I expect with my life? I think I’m always waiting for something to happen. Something good to happen. Something that would make my life happier? And I think I know while I’m waiting all these years, life is life… This is how I live my life. While I’m waiting, time never stops… Maybe till the day I die, I’ll still be waiting, for whatever it is that I want to happen
 
I don’t know what I am thinking. I know I should be focusing on things that I already have. I should not keep looking at things that I don’t have.
 
One day someone told me not to work so hard, and get a life. I don’t know what "get a life" means. I don’t have a life? If what I have isn’t a life, what is it then?
 
I think I probably still haven’t found what God would like me to do with my life? I’ve been exposed to so many things that God might want me to do. And seems like I am still not settled with whatever I’m doing for God right now? I don’t know. I’m so lost tonight.
 
Give me an answer. I’d really want one.

What is the Yoke of Christ?

I was looking at the Photon song book, at the score for The Yoke of Christ. One of the reflection questions is:

軛是牛和馬等牲口拉東西時架在頸上的器具. 基督的軛是甚麼?

I thought for a while… And then I looked in the yahoo dictionary:

n.

1. 軛,牛軛[C]

2. (同軛的)一對牲口
3. 軛形物;軛形扁擔;軛形吊鐘架[C]
4. (套在俘虜頸上的)枷;軛門[C]
5. 枷鎖;束縛;統治[the S][(+of)]
6. 紐帶;聯結[the S][(+of)]

7. (女)上衣抵肩;裙腰[C]
8. 橫舵柄;飛機操縱桿[C]
9. 【電】軛鐵;【電子】偏轉線圈[C]

vt.
1. 給…套上軛;用軛連結
2. 把(牲口)套到犁(車等)上

3. 連接,結合
4. 使成配偶[H]

vi.
1. 連接,結合;匹配[(+with)]
 
I think other then #7, 8, 9 under nouns, all definitions make a lot of sense in the context of The Yoke of Christ.

This yoke is something that you need to first put on yourself, before
you can carry any burden. If you don’t first establish this foundation
(I think it’s our faith in Christ), you won’t be able to carry any
burdens. All Christians who share the same foundation of trust in
Christ, are all related (like the oxen sharing the same yoke), we’re
brothers and sistsers, sharing each other’s burdens in a sense, through
the intercession of prayers.

As for 俘虜, there’s a very lo to saying "愛的俘虜 ", if’ I am to be 俘虜ed,
I’d rather be 俘虜ed by Christ. By accepting his gentle yoke, we are
entrusting everything to God, with His help, any burdens is okay,
everything will be alright. And yeah, I wish I can be 統治ed by Him. So I
won’t sin, I won’t be enslaved by my weaknesses…

Not only we’re related with the other Christian brothers and sisters
with the yoke… By putting on the yoke on ourselves, we’re tied with
Christ. We are one. Like the "10 room’s story"
Amy mentioned about, it’s about giving your entire house to Jesus,
we’re no longer the owner of the house, we just live there… Any
challenges/temptations/attacks to the house will be handled by Jesus,
no longer by us.

Lord, without you, any burdens (may not even be burdens at all!) seem
heavy. With you, any burden is light. Please help me take on your
yoke…

The Heart is the Key

Just realized tonight… that if you really have the heart, things that used to seem hard/impossible aren’t really that hard.

And if you want to perceive someone in a better way, you’ll see him/her
in a better way… you just have to be the one who takes the
initiative. 你覺得佢斤斤計較咩? 你就應該先對佢慷慨… 原來你做主動對人好, 人地係feel到嘅

或者大家早已明白此道理, 我應該都曾經明白過, 但唔知由幾時開始唔記得咗… 唔至淨係對天主, 原來對親人都要抱開放態度, 只要你肯留心, 你會發現原來佢地係好好嘅

The Mystery of Love

I came to this realization today all of a sudden… I need to write it down or else I’d forgot…
 
This is the 4th day of my eclipse course, find it so hard to listen to the presentation, so I was browsing the Dawn Patrol again. One of the discussions was about how Christians treasure sex so much and how it is saved till marriage. One of the comments is very inspiring… She described how having sex each time with her husband is a renewal to the marriage vows, and there’s this quote which suddenly "dim seng" me… She mentioned how it’s an act of being completely vulnerable to the other person, without any reservation…
 
This reminds me of several things:
  1. A while back, was chatting one night with a friend (oh well, you know who you are)… And I was saying, I open up so much to you, I’m ready to be hurt by you. And she said the same thing… This is this whole idea of vulnerability that keeps us so close.
  2. During ECCCLC 2005, Fr. Francis Ching mentioned about how Jesus chose to be present as a form of unleaven bread. He specifically mentioned about how vulnerable it is, it’s subject to abuse… but HE chose to present himself to us this way… This says a lot indeed. He loves us so much that he completely gives himself up, and is willing to be subject to such vulnerability before us.

This realization makes me understand… if we want to establish a real close/loving relationship with someone (person or God), we need to give ourselves up, we need to be vulnerable in front of this person/God. Only by doing so, we can experience the closeness in this relationship… In this secular world, so often times we’re trying to establish walls/safety net to protect ourselves. It’s precisely this mentality that prevents us from getting what we really want – true love.

 

Whoo~ I’m glad that I come to this realization. I believe it’s the work of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

福音

Luke 6:46
 
 你們為什麼稱呼我:主啊! 主啊! 而不行我所吩咐的呢?

“福音戒毒” – day 1

當然﹐我並非癮君子﹐但我要戒的心癮﹐在這刻看來﹐有點像癮君子要戒毒一樣。一直知道拖下去也不會有結果﹐想了結但心癮又要回來﹐來來回回﹐沒完沒了。
 
今晚去了告解﹐是覺得這根刺﹐似乎在阻礙我跟天主建立緊密的關係﹐我不想在我和天主之間﹐有著這障礙物。
 
神父告訴我的﹐和之前我所領悟的﹐大致相同﹐但從神父口中聽到﹐更令我明白接受天主旨意是如何的重要。過去的我﹐有時是希望這事能告一段落﹐但同時亦非常矛盾﹐潛意識(或下意識)總在美化整件事。今晚靜下來想﹐以往不能成功撇下這事﹐某程度上是基於我根本沒立下決心(因在我的幻想中﹐根本不覺得這是毒癮)。
 
神父也讓我藉此事來以另一角度去看別人犯的罪。如婚姻出現外遇﹐是因為越軌的一方真的存心傷害他的配偶嗎? 現實中絕大部分發生婚外情的人﹐是因為某程度上的不能自制。我根本和他們沒兩樣。因此﹐我現在更懂得去為罪人祈禱﹐而不是只去判斷或批判他們。
 
神父也提醒我﹐這戒毒的過程並非一朝一夕就能成就。過程是痛苦﹐我縱然求天主﹐也是需要時間才能完全恢復正常。耶穌在被釘十字架前也求過天主免去祂的苦杯﹐但他還是讓天父的旨意成就在祂身上。天主旨意﹐其實顯然易見(甚至連沒信仰的人也清楚不過)﹐只因我當時瞎了眼睛﹐才胡思亂想一通。
 
天主﹐我終於立志戒毒﹐求祢賜我力量。

My Will vs God’s Will

During the past few years, the ox horn that  I’ve been dealing with… stems from this: my will vs God’s will.
 
And I spent quite some time glancing through St. Paul’s letters in the New Testament tonight while looking for a bible quote, and I came across the following:
 
Galatians 5:16-18
 

我告訴你們:你們若隨聖神的引導行事,就決不會去滿足本性的私慾,

因為本性的私慾相反聖神的引導,聖神的引導相反本性的私慾:二者互相敵對,致使你們不能行你們所願意的事。

但如果你們隨聖神的引導,就不在法律權下。

 

Can’t be no more clearer than this. The idea that "the road to follow Christ isn’t easy to walk" is not new to me. But I’m so dumb… I wouldn’t interpret the meaning of that, I’d just remember the quote rather than understanding the idea. The road to follow Christ isn’t easy to walk… why is it not easy? It’s precisely because God’s will is often times against my will.

 

I was discussing with Maria today, about making choices. We’re often faced with choices, but the problem sometimes is, we aren’t even aware of the decision point. We automatically go for our will, as oppose to God’s will. (And we didn’t notice anything bad for our will…) And we don’t even have that classic scene with angel arguing with the devil. The devil has taken over… Why is that possible? It’s precisely because we aren’t guided by God. And that’s because we haven’t prayed enough, God still hasn’t become a central part of our lives.

 

One of the nice quotes from GT05 by Fr. Francis Ching: the world doesn’t revolve around your plans, the world revolves around God’s plans. And that is because our plans have flaws…

 

If we truly believe God knows what’s best for us, there shouldn’t be any question with obeying his will, we just have to have faith in Him – knowing He is going to lead us to the best.

 

Lord, please, help me have faith in You~ I can only find peace in Your presence.