Monthly Archives: April 2012

愛什麼?

《盛女愛作戰》成了熱門話題,引來很多批評。我本來對這種用標籤來命名的節目十分反感,但為了加入討論及了解時下男女的思想,我滿懷戒心的看完了十集。

愈來愈多想戀愛、結婚的女性,面對香港男多女少的現實,在不情願的情況下持續單身。節目的原意是誠邀這種女士,希望她們能在專業人士的協助下,成功覓得戀人。

那些女士把自己隱密的心事搬上螢幕,讓全香港(及海外所有懂中文)的觀眾都能加入批評,本來在你情我願的情況下,沒有什麼必要替她們不值,但看到她們為了找尋戀愛對象,肉隨砧板上,任由「專家」多番尖酸狠評,才獲贈幾項「忠告」,實在令我氣憤。

專家不斷向女士「進諫」,要得男士垂青,必要作出改變。在他們眼中,改變圍繞著外貌、儀態。改變是把她們變得迎合擇偶市場中,普遍男性所接受的類型。

我有跟朋友就此點討論過,很多女性不屑為討好異性而改變自己,但在一段認真而長久的感情中,為了遷就對方,或多或少要作出犧牲,這正正就是婚姻為何是一種聖召。人不再只為自己而活,藉著婚姻,人學會死於自我,而成就一個家庭。

在我眼中,那些專家不是錯在叫女士們改變,而是錯在要她們改些什麼。

天主創造人,不是在工廠流水式作業,全部倒模一樣。祂給予不同人獨特的個性和特質,讓我們為這世界添上不同姿采。但我們除了這獨特性之外,亦有缺點。我們傾向把缺點和任性跟天主賜的特質混淆,加上人都對自己較為寬容,很容易把屬於自己的所有,不論好的壞的,全盤視為個性的一部分。若我們要成長(繼而成聖),我們便要跨越,儘量把缺點丟掉。

早前我讀過一篇《那些年》的影評,我非常認同作者的看法,他形容那是「一套關於拒絕成長和不用成長的電影。… 沈佳宜受不了柯騰的幼稚與他分手,但在婚宴上卻情深款款地勉勵柯騰要「一路幼稚下去」。… 柯騰之所以是柯騰,全因為他的幼稚;幼稚根本就是他的「defining quality」。沈佳宜要柯騰「一路幼稚下去」,代表對他整個人全盤、無條件的接受,這成為了女方對男方的(某種)愛的宣言,以及男方對自己的終生承諾。德籍猶太裔心理學家佛洛姆(Erich Fromm)在《愛的藝術》(The Art of Loving)中指出,愛是唯一的成長之路,因為只有愛上其他人,我們才會走出自戀的迷宮。《那些年》提供的是另類的愛的教育,它告訴我們,真正懂得愛,就是要讓你真正愛的人一路幼稚下去。」

婚姻是聖召,最終希望對方和自己都能成聖。即使為非基督徒來說,兩個人走在一起的理想結果,應該是兩人都比之前成熟、懂得包容、學會忍耐等等。純為追求自我的滿足而談戀愛,只是兩人一起各有各自戀,若最終走到結婚這一步,婚姻肯定不會幸福。

《盛女愛作戰》的另一個問題是把愈來愈多女性單身的現象全歸咎於女性身上。節目中的專家和男性多數處於上風,手指指訴說參加者為何「唔掂」。專家亦多次勸女士不要天真,因為他們比任何人都清楚男女交往的現實。現實是男士有權選擇任何年紀的女性,年紀小一倍也不成問題,而女的就要有自知之明,三十九歲就不要再妄想能跟自己同齡的男性一起。現實是女性都是少說話好,話太多男性就覺得難應付。我承認他們說的大概都是事實,但這現實是否一定要繼續下去?這是應該持續下去的嗎?

我沒資格說些什麼,我不過跟很多天真的「盛女」一樣,不設實際。我不知最終會怎樣,不管愛情有沒有著落,我只信我天上的父親會照顧我。

Extended reading:

How I Fell Out of My Minivan and into My Identity

林沛理:性‧純情‧青春(談電影《那些年》)

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解夢

不知從何時開始,我每隔一陣子便會做一種獨特的夢1。前兩天收到一位長輩的電郵,是一篇禱文。看著看著,我覺得天主在替我解夢。

Fr. Dismas’ prayer

Sometime, not long after his cancer diagnosis, Fr. Dismas received a prayer, sent to him by a relative stranger, this prayer – reflection became his prayer. I would almost daily discover him sitting silently in his office next to mine in those days, he would smile & point to this little prayer which he kept on top of his desk…“just saying my prayer,” he would respond. He chose it for his final conference with his brothers & I know he would want me to share it now with you. “After all”, he would look at me with those gentle & definitely playful eyes…” (but without a trace of “perhaps”), “After all, Reverend Father, it’s all that really needs to be said.”

Be silent.
Be still.
Alone. Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God
Look upon you.
That is all.
God knows
And understands.
God loves you with
An enormous love,
Wanting only to
Look upon you
With love.
Quiet.
Still.
Be.
Let your God
Love you.

+ Abbot Peter


  1. See 有理說不清 and 一場怪夢for details.

Potential Mess

A thought came to mind while watching 奪命金 this morning. In the movie, Richie Jen’s dad was in hospital due to cancer. And he and his wife just found out his dad had a very young daughter with another woman. With his dad hospitalized, unless Richie would take the girl, or she would be sent to 保良局.

When we hear of stories like this, we can’t help but ask why is life so unfair to certain people. It’s sad that some children were born due to irresponsible acts by their parents. People are fallible. It’s so easy to make bad choices in our lives.

This reminds me of something 陶傑 asked in his column a long time ago. He asked why God would put humans in a position where we are left to figure out the right thing to do? If He knows humans are so weak and easily tempted, why would He be so brutal to leave humans to make all these choices? I think I finally understand why today.

It’s true that God has entrusted a whole lot to humans. He gave us the earth to take care of. He gave us the ability to create lives. He gave us intellect to think freely. It’s not like He didn’t know how bad things could get screwed. Knowing how bad things could potentially become, He still allows us to think and act freely. He does that because He is willing to 包底. Jesus descended to the earth so that through Him, even though we screw up, we are protected from death.

God is the greatest father (or leader). When we take on a leadership role, often times we would give limited room for our subordinates to act. It is because we know that if something goes wrong, we have to clean up the mess. The more power we give to our subordinates, the greater the chance they can screw up. It takes a lot of trust to empower them. And more important, it takes a lot of LOVE to be willing to clean up the mess that can be resulted.

Instead of asking God “Why do you leave me to make all these choices?”, what we should really be asking is “Why do I deserve so much love? How can I make the best use of the power you’ve entrusted to me?”